Sunday, July 3, 2011

I don't get it.

There are days when I just don't get it.  I have these fleeting moments - when we are having wild and crazy fun or sweet snuggles - when I look at her face, and I can't begin to understand why certain things have happened to her in the first years of her life. 

This face:



She's undeniably my daughter.  After almost a year together, we have a history. We have inside jokes, we have our little routines.  I know how she likes to be held.  How she likes to sleep.  What bow she will pick for her hair.  Every time.  I know that every time I put her in her carseat, she's going to ask me to put the music on.  I know that she likes to grab my face and blow raspberries on my cheeks with a silly little grin on her face. We have rainbow moments, she and I.

Then there are days when she drives me absolutely insane with her two-ness.  (Is that a word?  Because if it isn't, it should be.)  There are days when she is lucky to survive until bedtime... :)  We have thunderstorm moments too.  Even in those moments, I sometimes look at her and see.

The shadows of her other mother. 

The one who gave her life.  The one who gave her chunky sweet feet.  The one who gave her gorgeous pouty lips and a love for music and dance. The one who most likely gave her the stubbornness that is unequalled.  The one who should be holding her and kissing those insanely sweet cheeks and making boo-boos all better.  The one who would speak Korean to her and make sure she knows all the fun Korean kid songs. 

I see HER holding this girl.  Twirling her around to the music.  Laughing with her and kissing her face.  I see HER tucking her in at night and imagine the things she would be saying to her daughter.

I see the woman who I am forever indebted to for the life of my daughter.  The woman who I sometimes wish hadn't given her daughter up.  Because look at what she's missing.  It's huge.  This sweet girl is an amazing little person. 

Absolutely amazing. 

One day, I hope her first mother can experience the wonder of who she is.  Because this kid?  After almost one year of having her in my life, I can say with absolute certianty that she's not one to be missed. 

2 comments:

  1. Beautifullly put Shannon! Loving seeing little by little as God's story unfolds for your girl and for you! HUgs.

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